I get insomnia sometimes. I think it is a byproduct of my bipolar. When I get manic, it is hard for me to sleep. My mind races and I have a head full of plans. But it my difficulty sleeping doesn’t always come because of a manic episode. The other night, I was laying awake unable to sleep, the street light shining in through the bedroom blinds highlighting our dog whose small size does not prevent her form taking up a surprising large portion of the bed, and I was thinking about the future and what it would look like.

Bryan and I are about to graduate. In May, I will be done with homework and grading and writing papers. I will be done with classes and backpacks and late nights finishing projects. I am relieved and I can’t wait to not have all this pressure on me, but  I am also a bit apprehensive. I still don’t have a job lined up for after I graduate and as the days tick closer to May, I become more and more worried about what the future may hold.

I don’t like the unknown. That’s probably why dark nights still worry me and gambling has no appeal for me. I like to plan. I like to know. I like control. Right now, things are completely out of my control and I don’t like it.

Part of the struggle is finding jobs in Omaha for both Bryan and I that actually pertain to our degrees. It seems like there are writing jobs anywhere but Omaha. For awhile we talked about moving to find a job and it seemed like a real possibility that we would leave the state. I didn’t like the idea of this because my family is my support system and I don’t want to live far away from them. But then we decided to stick around, at least for another year, to get a better handle on my mental state. This is a relief. But it still doesn’t solve the problems of no work.

My childhood held a lot of uncertainty. We moved around a lot because of my parent’s missionary work and my father’s education. We were always in a new place and faced new problems. I never had control and maybe that is why I want control now. Leaving Ethiopia for the last time was difficult for me and I feel like it defined a lot of my life since then. I want to have stability in everything, but that can’t always happen.

I guess I have to let go of my desire for control and do my best with what I can within my control. I can fill out application after application. I can try and think of new and creative ways to write cover letters. These are things I can control and I need to let go of the things that I can’t.  However, if you know of anyone who needs soon to be unemployed master’s students who have degrees in English and Political Science, feel free to hit me up!

 

Advertisements